We Aren't Alone

I wrote this post on 4 pieces of paper on a legal pad while sitting on my couch back in March.  I thought it was important to start talking about the dreaded "Infertility" label that gets placed on so many women, yet we don't talk about it because it feels shameful.  It came straight from the heart...wasn't easy to write...which may be why I hadn't posted it until now.  

After our "Greatest Adventure" began unexpectedly, I started receiving so many messages from friends who are fighting the same battle.  We are all silently fighting...silently struggling and we aren't talking about it.   

Let's start talking about it!  You're not alone.  I don't have the perfect things to say, but we can support each other.

March 2015

It's been a long time since I've written a blog post.  In fact, it's been a long time since I even looked at this page.  A lot of things have happened since my last post.  I made the decision to put my happiness and health first...and haven't looked back.

Truth?  I started this blog with the plan of it being a pregnancy blog.  Hence the name "Three Little Birds."  But that was nearly 3 years ago.

Before this fertility struggle (I refuse to use the word infertility...), I had no idea how to comfort friends and family facing this battle.  I've realized if you haven't experienced this desperation, you just can't.

This isn't a profound post where I'm going to tell you all the right things to say.  I have no idea what you can say except "Surprise!  You're pregnant!"  I can tell you things that don't comfort me.

Please don't tell me to give it time. - It's been 2.5 years of "trying."

Please don't tell me everything happens for a reason.  

Or to relax and it'll happen.  

Or we could "just adopt." 

Or to enjoy not having kids.  

Or - "Are you sure you're ready?" 

Or - "You can babysit." 

Or - "It took me 6 long months" so you understand.  

Do tell me you're sorry we have to go through this.  Do tell me you're praying for me (or thinking positively if praying isn't your thing).  Do say nothing at all and give me a hug.

Over the last 2.5 years, this struggle has tested my emotions and relationships.  Seeing the word "infertility" on your doctor's receipt, changes you.  I've found myself having dark thoughts.  Questioned myself - what did I do wrong?  Questioned my faith.  Questioned my relationships including my marriage to a wonderful man (who is fighting this battle with me).  Thoughts of jealousy, anger, sadness and bitterness have been overwhelming at times.  I've thought things, said things, screamed things, cried things I'm not proud of.

I lost sight of the beauty of life.  

One day, I'm sad - sobbing.  Another, I'm angry, bitter and questioning God.  If I'm not able to provide a child, why am I here? 

Some days, I'm over it.  Wanting to be in control of the situation, I tell myself I don't really want children.

And most recently - I'm happy.  I'm content.  This is part of me.

Fertility struggles can change a person - deep down in your soul.  I know I've changed.  My relationships have changed.  My outlook on life has changed.

Philip has said, "maybe this is our struggle."  I think he's right.  Maybe this is my soul's plan.  I believe we're all here for a purpose.  One day - I hope a long time from today - I'll know my plan.

"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."  

No matter what, I know I'll (we'll) be OK.  I was created to make somebody else's life better, to make somebody smile.  I know people need my love, my encouragement and my gifts.  I know who I am and I'm proud of that.

I am so thankful for those in my life who continue to try to say the right things.  Those who lend an ear, a shoulder, a hug.  

Remember, everyone is struggling with something.  Your support is everything.  

It's time for a new adventure.


With Love,
Jules

Our Anniversary

It's been a minute!  I was reminded tonight by a sweet friend that I've neglected the blog and needed to get back to it.  She's right!  (Thanks, Shari!)

Photo: Wendy Wilson Photography

On this day 2 years ago, I was blessed to marry my best friend & as cheesy as it sounds, I love Mr. more today than I did the day I married him.

Photo: Wendy Wilson Photography

Photo: Wendy Wilson Photography

Photo: Wendy Wilson Photography

 Happy Anniversary to my husband, partner in crime, my comedian, my rock, my forever friend, my love.  I'm so blessed to go through life with you.  I'm so excited to see what adventures the future has in store for us.  I love you!

Give aloha every day.

Love,

Juliana

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First Day of School

I didn't eat all day and got home after 5:30, but I survived the first day of school & had an exciting day with my new darlings!  

I'm keeping positive thoughts for an awesome school year & am excited to see what this year has in store for all of us.

Loved snapping pictures of the kiddos holding this cute frame!  I'll print them out and send them home on Friday for their parents' fridges.  

Still one of my favorite activities to do on the first day of school...I tell the kiddos to close their eyes & imagine the best kind of Math teacher they could ask for.  They open their eyes, raise their hands and share some of the descriptions.  The kiddos love sharing their ideas!  When we are finished, I make a promise to them to do my very best to be all of the things they want their Math teacher to be.  I then ask them if they can promise to also be those things!  It's a great ice breaker.

I hope every teacher out there had a wonderful day & hopefully, if you're a parent, your kiddos had an awesome first day!

Aloha,

Juliana

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The Night Before School

As I woke up this morning, I could already feel the waves of nerves wash over me.  The feeling of anxiety over Summer ending and a new school year beginning can be overwhelming. And I know that around the country other fellow teachers are experiencing the same feelings.

What will my students be like?

Will they be excited to be there?

Are their parents supportive?

Will they like me?

 Have I completed everything off my never-ending "to do" list?  Well...have I done everything to get us through Monday?  Just get yourself through Monday...

And the one question that keeps playing over and over in my mind...

Will you be able to stay "you" this year?

Will I be able to say no?  I've already taken on enough.

Will I be able to tell myself that I'm doing the very best job I can do?

Am I going to be able to maintain being a loving wife, caring daughter & good friend?  

You see, I worked so hard to find that person this Summer.  During the school year, so many of us teachers lose ourselves to our classroom and communities.  We give so much everyday to our students that we return home (late & tired) with little left to give to our families & friends, and we most definitely don't have anything left for ourselves.  

We tell ourselves that we will survive the school year and recuperate during our Summer break.   That's what makes starting a new school year so bittersweet.  We know what's coming.  It's like preparing for a hurricane...you know the storm's coming, you've been prepping for the damage, but there's really nothing you can do because it's still going to hit.

So today, after waking up with nerves & anxiety, I want to focus on how amazing this Summer was rather than focus on the incoming storm.

•  I am so incredibly thankful for the invaluable time I got to spend with Husband.  Our schedules are so different during the school year that we rarely get to spend quality time together.  You have to seize the time to spend with your loved ones and really make the best of it.
• The house is clean!  The laundry is all done!  I was able to focus on getting the house in a state that makes me feel relaxed and happy.
• My best friend and her awesome hubby came to visit for a few days!  It's been over 10 years since I lived in Atlanta, but I still miss the ability to call her up, ask what she's doing, and pick her up to run mundane errands.  Giggle fits with her are the best.
• I was able to get crafty again!  Hello, blog!  I've missed painting so much.  I'm no longer going to use the excuse of not having a space in our house to get messy.  
• We had so many awesome times with family this Summer!  Pool days, beach days, dinner dates, drink nights...Being able to connect with family and feel relaxed inside has been wonderful.
• Going to sleep at night without the ball of anxiety that always finds a home in my stomach during the school year.  I'm determined to not give that ball of anxiety any power this year.
• Had surgery on my tailbone...and wish I could say I'm fully recovered, but I'm getting there.
• Experienced being extremely sick at the same time as Husband.  Learning experience?
• I got to travel to my favorite place in this world (my Utopia) with my very favorite person and spend time with our friend who is one of the best people I know.  
• I snorkeled with a sea turtle.
• I hiked the jungle barefoot in the mud to a waterfall.
• I fell face first into the water at the waterfall.  (Miss Grace)
• Drove with the top down to North Shore with 2 of my favorite dudes.
• I balanced on a surfboard (short board) (big feat) in the waves of Waikiki Beach.
• Scraped my leg (still healing!) when I fell into a coral hole in the water at the world's prettiest beach...Lanikai.  
• Came narrowly close to touching a man of war...
• Can still close my eyes & see Friend's face and hear Friend's laughter as he told me underwater not to touch the sea turtle.  What if it swam into my finger?!  Wouldn't be my fault...
• Witnessed a rainbow from above.
• Felt an earthquake on the balcony of the 37th floor in Waikiki.

I can end this Summer knowing that not only did I reconnect with my husband & marriage, but I was able to rediscover myself.  I found the person I lost last year.  I found that glow so many of us lose (not just teachers) & that laughter that can't be forced.

As I start this new school year with new students that I hope I can make a positive impact on, I am promising to myself (no one else) that I will not lose this glow, this laughter or this person.  Everyone benefits from this promise.  

Thank a Teacher

We write our eulogy every day.  What would yours say?

I hope mine says she gave everything every day & lived every day like it was her last.

Mahalo,

Juliana

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Back To School 2013: Classroom Tour

Whew!

This chick is T-I-R-E-D. & just to think...students haven't even started back to school!  

What's the saying?  

That being said...this post will be heavy on pictures & light on text.

I know there has been the ongoing debate of Cuteness Vs. Not which has been a hot topic again in the teacher world lately.  My view is I remember being in school as a child and really appreciating the visually appealing & print rich rooms.  I want to make my classroom a fun and inviting place for my students (some of them need an escape from their home life).  We also spend more time in our classrooms than our own homes, so I like to make it a place I "enjoy" being in.  If I can have a "cute" room and still have the time to provide my students with wonderful, rigorous lessons, why not?!

Here is my First Grade Math, Science & Writing classroom for the 2013-2014 school year.  

(I also included pictures from orientation including my station set up...loved it!)

This year I did stations for the parents to visit around the room during orientation.  It gave me the opportunity to speak with all of them, make sure all paperwork was filled out & for the parents to explore the room.  I didn't feel overwhelmed with questions & was able to spend ample time with everyone.  I had coloring sheets spread out for the kiddos to color & draw while their parents did the boring stuff...  I will definitely do this again next year!

Transportation Station

Find your child's cubby & seat.  Take home the folder at their seat with info inside.

Sign up for Remind101

Students dropped off supplies by labeled areas (if they brought them) 

&

If parents could donate a regularly used supply, they took home an owl with the item written on it.

Here's to a wonderful year to my fellow teacher friends!  May you experience success, keep a smile on your face & find the perfect balance!

Aloha,

Juliana

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Fashion Finds

Vacation & a new school year always makes me feel like I have a legitimate reason to buy some new clothes, accessories, shoes & products.  Only makes sense, right?

Here are some of my recent purchases (& maybe a couple wants...):

Flipped Heart Convertible Portofino Shirt 

from Express

HERE

Wide Stripe Sleeveless Portofino Shirt

from Express

HERE

Light Wash Denim Shirt

from Express

HERE

Want...

Stella Slim Flare Jeans

from Express

HERE

Catty Maxi

from The Rage

HERE

Hailey in Chambray

from Roxy

HERE

Woodland Garden

from Maaji

HERE

Maybe I'm A Mermaid trucker hat

from Billabong

 Open Roadz Pullover

from Billabong

HERE

Want

VS Siren Mid-Rise Skinny Jeans in Coral Dream

from Victoria's Secret

HERE

Color Enriched Anti-aging Lipstick in Tiger Lily

by Laura Geller

HERE

Original picture from mymoodymama.blogspot.com

Want

Pixi Tinted Brilliance Balm in Unique Pink

Reacts to your PH, giving you a personal pink lip.

Found at Target

Want

Sabbath (perfect black/navy)

from Urban Decay

HERE

And because I dropped my iPhone 5 in the toilet the first day back to school...(teacher brain already):

LifeProof iPhone 5 Case in Rose Pink & Black

purchased from Ebay

Monogram with Bow Vinyl Decal, but in black font & white bow

(had to have something special for the LifeProof!)

from CuttinCrazy on Etsy

HERE

Everyone needs to treat themselves every now and then.  

"Style is not a display of wealth,

but an expression of imagination."

Aloha,

Juliana