After our "Greatest Adventure" began unexpectedly, I started receiving so many messages from friends who are fighting the same battle. We are all silently fighting...silently struggling and we aren't talking about it.
Let's start talking about it! You're not alone. I don't have the perfect things to say, but we can support each other.
March 2015
It's been a long time since I've written a blog post. In fact, it's been a long time since I even looked at this page. A lot of things have happened since my last post. I made the decision to put my happiness and health first...and haven't looked back.
Truth? I started this blog with the plan of it being a pregnancy blog. Hence the name "Three Little Birds." But that was nearly 3 years ago.
Before this fertility struggle (I refuse to use the word infertility...), I had no idea how to comfort friends and family facing this battle. I've realized if you haven't experienced this desperation, you just can't.
This isn't a profound post where I'm going to tell you all the right things to say. I have no idea what you can say except "Surprise! You're pregnant!" I can tell you things that don't comfort me.
Please don't tell me to give it time. - It's been 2.5 years of "trying."
Please don't tell me everything happens for a reason.
Or to relax and it'll happen.
Or we could "just adopt."
Or to enjoy not having kids.
Or - "Are you sure you're ready?"
Or - "You can babysit."
Or - "It took me 6 long months" so you understand.
Do tell me you're sorry we have to go through this. Do tell me you're praying for me (or thinking positively if praying isn't your thing). Do say nothing at all and give me a hug.
Over the last 2.5 years, this struggle has tested my emotions and relationships. Seeing the word "infertility" on your doctor's receipt, changes you. I've found myself having dark thoughts. Questioned myself - what did I do wrong? Questioned my faith. Questioned my relationships including my marriage to a wonderful man (who is fighting this battle with me). Thoughts of jealousy, anger, sadness and bitterness have been overwhelming at times. I've thought things, said things, screamed things, cried things I'm not proud of.
I lost sight of the beauty of life.
One day, I'm sad - sobbing. Another, I'm angry, bitter and questioning God. If I'm not able to provide a child, why am I here?
Some days, I'm over it. Wanting to be in control of the situation, I tell myself I don't really want children.
And most recently - I'm happy. I'm content. This is part of me.
Fertility struggles can change a person - deep down in your soul. I know I've changed. My relationships have changed. My outlook on life has changed.
Philip has said, "maybe this is our struggle." I think he's right. Maybe this is my soul's plan. I believe we're all here for a purpose. One day - I hope a long time from today - I'll know my plan.
"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."
No matter what, I know I'll (we'll) be OK. I was created to make somebody else's life better, to make somebody smile. I know people need my love, my encouragement and my gifts. I know who I am and I'm proud of that.
I am so thankful for those in my life who continue to try to say the right things. Those who lend an ear, a shoulder, a hug.
Remember, everyone is struggling with something. Your support is everything.
It's time for a new adventure.
With Love,
Jules
